in the middle

Some say being an all rounder is best in life. But is it really?

Today i got my hsc results, and they were satisfactory- but it feels like all my friends around me got amazing scores. Im happy for them :) i really am - but i cant help but feels so mediocre.

So since i was already in a  bad mood, i go on tumblr- and surprise surprise its filled with geogous models, nd again i look at myself and feels so average.

Uni selections are coming up soon, and i dont know what to pick - because i dont know where my talents or interests lie.

Sometime is think life would be so much easier if you were gifted in one thing and crap at all the others.

Then you know what you'd do with your life.

Whereas now i feel so average like nothing stands out like i don't suck at anything but there are always those that are better.

Just stuck in the middle.

change overtime

AS tomorrow HSC results come out it fully marks the end of high school and any realtion i have to that period of time.

I thought back to my first day. . . . and realised everyone i met on that day. . . i no longer talk to. . . .
Some . . .
- Just drifted
- Moved to another school
- Completely hate me.

Then i reflected on my close friends in junior years. . . .  and how most of us have drifted in other directions.

I remember long ago when we used to talk about who would get a boyfriend first.
Now most of us have/had them - But we never talk to each other about them

We used to talk about each others weddings and how we'd be each others bridesmaids.
But the reality now seems that we wont even be invited.

We talked about finishing HSC together and going schoolies together
But now we either went schoolies with other people or didn't go.

So this led me contemplate friendships.

You can either be a puller or a pusher.

Ive been both

THE PULLER
- The person that always wants to maintain the friendship
- The person thats always enthusiastic

THE PUSHER
- The person that creates distance due to selfish or selfless reasons.

About 3 years ago i had a group of friends where i was the only puller and i kept trying and trying to keep us together making group convos and creating events. . .  till one day i agve up. . . and as you can guess we drifted .

Sometimes i ask myself if i should have continued trying.

And now more recently i find myself a pusher , i dont want tog et too close to people , and i dont really care about keeping people together. . . and now as a result i find all these once important people drift further and further. . . . .

It feels like time really does change things , while i miss all those hopes and friends.

I see them happy. . . . so i guess i should be happy too?

So why do i keep pushing?